Wal-Mart, like the dark side of the Force, is a powerful ally. Or Alli, when you think about it. So it should come as little or no surprise to learn that, in addition to requiring that all store-level management keep a Toby Keith CD in their back pockets, Wal-Mart would additionally appreciate it (like, really […]

Mama, don’t raise your babies to be southerners: unless of course abstinence-only-until-marriage sex miseducation sounds like a swell idea to you, as well as a lot of unwanted babies miracles with rickets. Praise Jebus, and pass the $85 million!

No vaginal manglings in the land of Oz: As fucked up as Australians appear to be, […]

Bring the pets in for a nail-trimming; stay for the trim: proving that they can run neck-and-neck with the NYPD in their continued harassment of prostitutes and minorities, the NJPD finally brought down the raw sewage of justice on what they affectionately dubbed “Operation Net-Vet Harlot”. Because, um, a vet-tech in New Jersey was positing […]

Pardon me; that’s just my eyes throwing up: confused, sad little effete boy-creatures of the world, rejoice – for now you too can highlight your eyes! Yes, ‘guy-liner’ and ‘manscara’ are finally coming to a cosmetics counter near you. And yes, once again we can blame the British for it. And, for the record, I […]

Trapped in the closet gay Republicans begin making clandestine plans via Craigslist: the Republican National Convention isn’t until September, but it’s never too early to get one’s plans shored up on Craigslist. Reserve your rooms. Or prostitutes. Or gay-friendly crash pads. Or reggae musicians. Yeah, Minneapolis Craigslist is definitely the place to be for the […]

Eat more UnChikin: the long, terrible war between two of the world’s great culinary think-tanks is finally over. KFC and PETA have agreed to a soy-based truce, predicated on two things: Canada, and the protean slime of the Unchicken burger, a soy-and-gack based patty (fried in the same sludge that the chicken goes into) that […]

Boy Scouts consider merit badges for porn, cigarettes and booze; Andy Dick applies to be new scout-master: I remember being the most miserable Boy Scout at Camp Merz. I was separated from my comic books, my mother’s (very welcome) incessant coddling, and my dad’s rather extensive stash of porn. Instead I got bugs and male-bonding. […]

Government wants no child left behind in regards to porn-viewing: the activist judges are back! And not only do they want gay people to marry and have GAY ANAL SODOMY right in front you and your children – but now they want your children to have to look at internet porn! And Alex Kozinsky wasn’t […]

Gastrosexuals stake claim to legitimacy and hair-gel, cook some beans; WAM fetishists complain a bit, then go play in a tub full of baked beans: do not adjust your screen; it does indeed say gastrosexuals. Gastrosexual is the new sexo-culinary buzz-word being bandied about for men with highlighted hair who learn how too cook because […]

Price of gas is greater than price of pussy; AOL users suffer in emoticonned silence: One of the many underlooked segments of society struggling with the gas price crisis is the band of LTR internet boyfriends and girlfriends strewn across America. Either you can’t afford to send her flowers, or you can’t afford gas to […]

IRS recognizes Church of Satan as a religion; atheists protest “redundancy!” And local newspaper columnists are in an uproar! Because, you know, the rapidly-aging hate Satan and rock n’ roll and doing what makes you feel good – except of course for bitching about what makes other people feel good. Fuck, I can’t wait […]

Nobody wants to kiss Grandpa: Proving once again that America hates the taste of prune juice and Phil Gramm, Barack Obama defeated John McCain in a ‘who’s more kissable’ survey by more than 75%. Which should come as a shock to no one, except for maybe John McCain, who’s starting to wonder where he went […]