PART I: The Situation.
Boys and girls, pimps and hos, gather ’round the fan for a sec. It’s time for a little come-to-Jesus on the subject of date-trolling your friendly neighborhood Craigslist. Because it ain’t pretty, folks. You have stumbled, bumbled, and fumbled your way through ill-conceived form letters, capped-up hissy fits, demands of blowjobs and roses, and every spam-artist from NOLA to Nigeria.
This is what Craigslist is here for. Easily attained, NSA sex; used furniture; the occasional zombie sighting; and ultimately a refuge for the nerdy, BBW-sturdy, and sex-over-30 crowds. You prayed, you wept, you toiled and sweat, you wished upon a star domain and woke up to your wildest dreams. You are why Jesus turned a stack of moldy old Robert Heinlein novels into the internet.
So let us set things right. Let us lay down a few ground rules. A gauntlet, if you will, of style and sense. MORE>>
Some of the best emails I get on Collarme are the poetry. Yes, thats right, the poetry. I’m normally charmed by British guys but this particular one was channeling ever foppish and bullshit stereotype out there:
I write red words
On the white page of your heart:
Red words of passion,
Red words of love.
And the great romance made
Is the daily story of our love.
Um, it goes on. This poem is shitty but that isn’t the point. Clearly this dude is sending out his crap emo/gawf poetry as a form letter on the off chance that it will make me say, “OMG, I am sooooo turned on by your tortured/romantic/idealistic vision of the world in free verse, tie me up and shove something up my ass” (this user listed himself as an “Expert” at anal play).
My profile on the site (sadly no longer in LOL-dialect) specifies that form letters will get one in return. There was only one appropriate option:
It is my pleasure to inform you that after reading and discussing your poem, our Selection Committee has certified your poem as a semi-finalist in our Open Poetry Contest.Your poem will automatically be entered into the final competition held in Spring. As a semi-finalist, you have an excellent chance of winning one of 70 cash or gift prizes–you may even win the $1,000,000 Grand Prize.