Junkbuzzed

On Masculinity: the Body Polyptych

May 7th, 2008 Posted by The Snarling Misanthrope | Asides | one comment

It’s All About Marketing Yourself within the Vampyre Community

OR,
LET’S GET A MOCHA AND TALK ABOUT THE BUBONIC PLAGUE

We’re not ones to bash anyone’s kink, considering that the Junkbuzzed staff is comprised mainly of people who like to hit, be hit, or both. But there are times when we as almost-rational adults need to put our feet down (we blog in spreader bars) and call out all the ‘Dark Ones’ who spend way too much time indoors, listening to old Bauhaus records and obsessively reading Anne Rice and Poppy Z. Brite books. We will, however, abstain from the obligatory mom’s basement cracks. Because we used to sort of like Orson Scott Card. Besides. Not everybody has basements.

Because, um…there are certain things that one doesn’t say when they’re trying to attract a mate. Take, for example, this hemoglobin-deficient buffet table of profiles from VampireFreaks.com, after the bat-metamorphosing jump. MORE>>

May 1st, 2008 Posted by The Snarling Misanthrope | All Creatures Hung and Tiny, Asides, One-Line Wonders | one comment

Craigslist PSAT (Preliminary Sexual-asshattery Aptitude Test)

Craigslist is like the blue cheese of the internet. It’s a piquant Gorgonzola with a gentle hint of venereal infraction and oh-what-the-hell-it’s-Friday-and-I-ain’t-got-no-baby bi-curiosity. It goes well with anything acidic, like sarcasm, penicillin, and federal racketeering charges.

Craigslist epitomizes the you-can-too spirit of the internet, in that it takes on all comers (literally, figuratively, and esoterically), and sets them loose in the e-wilds of transactive fulfillment. How blue-veined your soul becomes is entirely dependent on the ph of your desperation. (And desperation is equal to or greater than the sum total of your grammatical errors.)

The beauty of Craigslist is in its simplicity; that, like in any blue cheese, the base fromage can be anyone or anything. For instance. Cute, HWP girl looking for a drama-free hepcat with tattoos who match hers? Penicillium camemberti. Stray dog in need of a quick, consequence-free nut? Penicillium roqueforti, all the way, baby.

Nobody gets it right the first time, folks. So please enjoy this practice quiz from your friends at Junkbuzzed. Match up the people seeking on the left with the people sought on the right. Think of it as the tree-cave from The Empire Strikes Back:

Luke: “What’s in there?” Yoda: “Only what you take with you.”

HINT: “Not Choosy” is assumed, not stated. And, uh…try not to lose your head.

April 30th, 2008 Posted by The Snarling Misanthrope | Asides, Best of Douchelist, Niche Cliché Pastiche, Sexual Health | one comment

Buzzed Junk: Quickies and Webphemera

- If you are a Mountie and put up a personal ad looking for a nice transsexual or transgendered girl to settle down with, then the Royal Canadian Mounted Police would rather you did not include a picture of yourself in full dress reds.

- An enterprising young inventor was indicted for selling a “men’s enhancement” food supplement called Boom. The main ingredients? Chocolate and Viagra.

- They say every man thinks with his penis. Especially when it comes to Craigslist. Now you can find out how smart your penis really is - there’s a new online dating service for the sex-starved intelligentsia. The catch? You have to pass an IQ test in order to join. Who wants to place bets on how quickly it devolves into a bunch of MIT developers emailing their man-junk amongst each other?

- A sort-of update on the link between masturbation and a decrease in a man’s chances of developing prostate cancer. Bottom line? Keep jackin’ it.

- Thirteen alleged sorcerers have been arrested, accused of using that old black magic to, uh…steal or shrink men’s penises. That’s what you get when you steal the number of the guy in front of you.

April 25th, 2008 Posted by The Snarling Misanthrope | Asides, Media Mayhem, Sexual Health | no comments

Quickies for 4-24-2008

• SexSearch CEO says, ““Our target market is anyone over the age of 21 who is interested in sex, which is almost everybody.” Yeah, we don’t think that people who want sex are much of a specialized niche either.

• Judd Apatow wants America to stop fearing the penis so he is going to show it in a lot of movies. But didn’t Tom Cruise do a schtick like this years ago?

• JDate has garnered a Webby Award. Just another reminder that I should be looking for a nice Jewish boy, thank goodness my Bubbe doesn’t have an internet connection.

• Our favorite literary misogynist will have his sexual prowess revealed. Some or Norman Mailer’s papers and correspondence have been sold to Harvard by his former mistress. The stash includes a 50 page sex scene based on the two of them. Who knew that one of the side effects of Viagra might be carpal tunnel syndrome.

• Someone is finally testifying before Congress to let them know that abstinence-only sex education doesn’t work. But we were just getting ready for some bareback sex with a Mountain Dew and bleach chaser!

• There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with this list of the Top 10 Sex Mistakes That Men Make but I just have trouble taking sex advice from Fox News - I don’t want to accidentally visualize Bill O’Reilly when I’m being lusciously violated by Chris Matthews.

April 24th, 2008 Posted by Ellie | Asides | no comments

O Mistress Mine, Your Choir’s Waiting

From SSO.net: Claire King is a firm believer in the principles of BDSM. A harsh mistress of song, she’s the new Ilsa, She-Wolf of the Australasian Gay and Lesbian Choir, who in short order will doubtless be known as the Down Under Genitorturers. Set pieces will be provided by Tinto Brass, and there’s sure to be a ton of - oh. Um. Wait. I, uh, actually finished reading the article. Clarie’s own BDSM stands for…

- Balance (Um, sure. A good dominant never wants to see a submissive suddenly tip over during a session.)

- Discipline (Now we’re talking)

- Synchronicity (Orgasm control? Or is she going to whip them until they start liking Sting?)

- Musicality (A bit of a stumper, I’ll admit. I have never asked a submissive to break into song. But it isn’t a hard limit.)

Sting, on the other hand, is a hard fucking limit.

April 24th, 2008 Posted by The Snarling Misanthrope | Asides | no comments

Quickies for 4-23-2008

• Single file, please! Don’t all rush over to eHarmony at once. They are still promising that they won’t get you laid.

• Meanwhile, AFF also can’t work its magic to get you creepy stalker emails and dick pics laid if you sue them.

• (Student newspaper) investigative journalism at its best: “My alias, “MeltNmyMouth69″ is a 21-year-old Penn State student and model who is turned on by skinny dipping, erotica and thunderstorms.”

• Luckily RomanceScams.org has a mission to root out liars, fakers, and investigative journalists in the online dating world. They really should enter into a co-branding arrangement with a ruler company and Craigslist.

• But, Wii fanboys gamers still have their priorities straight. Nintendo is confirming that Mario Kart has outsold a smutty PSP hentai title. Obviously Princess Peach is totes hot.

• Miss Information righteously defends period sex as casual sex. Rock on my sister, rock on.

• Aside from the fucked up threats of domestic violence in Riskay’s new Smell Yo Dick video the most troubling part of it is the cavalier attitude towards consumer electronics. There is no man that is worth throwing your iPhone off a balcony for.

• Flow charts of pop songs, need we say more?

• MSNBC asks, “Do you need sex to sell a blog?” Um, duh! (But we think that the advice to keep sex out of your business blogging is sound, unless you are in the business of selling smut.)

April 23rd, 2008 Posted by Ellie | Asides | no comments