sex, lies, and .jpgs


July 28th, 2008 at 7:57 am

My Morning Junket: Unchicken, Daleks, Douchebags, Johns, and Sex with the Almighty

Eat more UnChikin: the long, terrible war between two of the world’s great culinary think-tanks is finally over. KFC and PETA have agreed to a soy-based truce, predicated on two things: Canada, and the protean slime of the Unchicken burger, a soy-and-gack based patty (fried in the same sludge that the chicken goes into) that is sure to sate the on-the-go needs of gaunt, surly Canadian vegans everywhere. Me, I’d rather go naked than eat anything KFC is peddling – and I’d totally go naked to see Pamela Anderson and company maw down an armful of Unchicken Burgers without yacking.

It’s hard out there for a john: just think about it for a minute. In the business of sex, nobody has it harder than the johns. A john has to do all the work – from finding a sex worker, to convincing her to see him, to paying for her services, to not being caught by any combination of wife/local constabulary/mom. Case in point is one hapless fellow from Oakland who decided he needed a little something on his way to work. So he dutifully trolled his local Craigslist, found a willing sex worker, and headed over to her place. It was at this point when he remembered the lessons his father had taught him about haggling: only a sucker pays the sticker price. So he haggled, like any conscientiously thrifty American might. And then she pulled a gun on him. But fear not: all ended well. The john was rescued, the sex worker jailed, and once again the order of things was re-established, in that the prostitute’s name was made public, yet the john’s was not. Justice is served!

Meeting God through better orgasms; please leave nut in collection box: Christian sex is way better than Tantric sex! It had to happen sooner or later – the Christian world, losing out on a billion-dollar racket, is trying to muscle in on the schadenfraude of scamming that is New Age sexuality, teaching anyone who will listen/pay to listen that good Christian sex is the true path to knowing god. The key selling point here is that Christian sex, like all things Christian, is focused solely on rewards-based performance (“Tantric sex encourages men and women not to reach orgasm. Christian sex does.”). Discuss. Or don’t.

The internet – where douchebags meet: sex-offender meets thief online; sex-offender meets thief offline. Sex-offender is outed on a traffic stop. Thief leaves sex-offender and steals his money. Confused police halfheartedly investigate both; complain about not having enough time left to harass minorities and prostitutes.

Man pays Dalek to kidnap ex-girlfriend; Dalek is frightened by cat wearing Tom Baker’s scarf: ah, the British. There are some days I am sure that they exist solely to entertain the rest of the world. Case in point – meet young James Wakefield, recently time-morphed to the terrible land of Dumpsville by his villainous girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend. Desperate to win her back, young James went to his local Woolworth’s, bought a Dalek voice-changer mask, and offered his friend $39,760 to kidnap the girl, take her out to the woods, and do whatever it is that Daleks do. It was at that point where young James would burst onto the scene and perform a daring rescue, though it is not yet clear as to which incarnation of the good Doctor he would be channeling. But, as with all things British, the plan fell apart quickly, thanks to a heroic cat, and now the lads are in the hands of the present-day law.

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