BREAKING NEWS: Jane Austen was the Paris Hilton of her day; Colin Firth hears news and maintains stiff upper lip.
So it turns out that Jane liked to flirt and have a few drinks. And she had hangovers. No word yet on upskirt shots, but our fingers are crossed. (Though we’re not really sure that a Victorian-era upskirt shot would reveal anything other than…more skirts?)
The dirt on the Craigslist vs. eBay feud is out. And man, is it…fucking stupid. So, like, eBay launched their own classifieds site, Kijiji, ‘kay? And Craigslist, like totally threw the fuck down! I mean, he threw a big-boy hissy fit, and then he kissed another stockholder (OMG!), and then tried to break up with eBay. Right in front me and Ellie’s lockers, too! I hear that Craig asked for his class ring back, even! Can you believe that??? Totes OMG!
And finally: there has been a mildly fuck-tarded trend for quite a while in the marketing of candles and fragrances to unhappily married people who aren’t having sex – mixing ‘his’ and ‘hers’ to create an ‘Our’ scent (it is a way to sell more shit that people don’t need). Well, our good friends at KY have taken it a step further. Yours+Mine, a matching neon blue-purple set of tubes filled with his-n’ hers’ goo, which is “designed specifically to increase intimacy and communication between couples.” Like, “ow! My clit is burning!” “I love you, too!”
“The man uses a blue lubricant containing a substance that is “invigorating.” The woman uses a purple lubricant providing a sensation that is “thrilling.” And when the two mix? A new sensation “ignites” between the two of them.”
Ellie: have you used any of those tingling sorts of things? It isn’t good times as best I can tell. Maybe I’m just too sensitive.
TSM: no. that’s what the girl is there for.
But in the long run, we suppose it’s cheaper than that other time-tested marriage-saver: making babies!
So, I’m on CollarMe today (wow, we really need a new whipping horse around here don’t we?) and notice that a person with an obviously fake photo viewed my profile. So, I clicked on over to their profile to be all, “Hey, ’sup fake picture! Tricking lots of horny guys today.” I get to reading and find a real treat. What is the best icing on the cake when you have a fake picture? How about a really inflammatory, rude, bitchy profile that makes sweeping generalizations about entire genders, sexual orientations, and types of kinky people?
We have hit pay dirt in the case of this user! “She” wants you to know right away who may not contact her:
No Dyke/Butch Females, NO Boi’s. NO TV’s, TS’s, I have nothing at all aginst any of you, I just do not want to interact with YOU! PERIOD.
Have a lovely day.
Doesn’t that completely empty platitude make you feel better? Here you were drooling over her snapshot of an 80s porn star and you were rejected. But she has nothing against you! She just doesn’t want you to even TALK TO HER. Now I’m not saying that people need to be equal opportunity fuckers, that would just be absurd and the very nature of attraction is discrimination (between who you have a taste for and who you don’t). But profiles like this come off as twat-tastic (not in the good way) and here is where we get to the real problem. See, she finally lets us know what she wants:
I only, enjoy desire, and will interact with Bi Sexual very femine “FEMALES”, “Born A female physically.
Oh, and guess what? I fit that category. I am in her winner’s circle but I’m turned off. See, I’m the only judgemental and pissy bitch that I want to fuck and I’ll do that with my Rock Chick (as opposed to a reject from “Rock of Love”) before I’ll buy into someone’s tacky stereotypes. Oh, didn’t think she was that offensive yet? How about this lovely analysis of the lesbian psyche:
I do not have interest in most lesbians, most do not understand the depth of the lifestyle, mainly because their deep seeded distaste for men cause them to not focuse on love, and most are just to jealous for a Mistress such as me.
Oh thanks Freud, tell me more please! I’m not even going to touch the fact that the spelling and grammar make my clit want to run away and hide in my uterus, no matter how you dice it, this sort of crap isn’t sexy. Guess what? You don’t need any excuse for ruling out a group of people that you’re not interested other than “No thanks, I’m not interested.” If someone asks you why? Well, repeat after me, “I’m not attracted to you.” Does that require insulting whole groups of people with negative stereotypes? Nope not at all.
When you write a personals profile that shows your ignorance you will get the exact opposite of what you want, I promise. The people that are just attracted to your shitty fake photo and don’t even read it will still message you. The ones that you are trying to attract, though? Well they won’t want you because you just sound mean. You want hot bi babes? Well, babe, don’t piss where you live.
On an average day when I check the messages I receive on Collarme, I get to experience a range of emotions. It can go anywhere from sorrow, to pity, to rage, to joyous laughter. Most of the time it is confusion. How can a bunch of people that are trying SO fucking hard really be trying so little?
After the ninth message in the day that clearly hadn’t read my profile, I decided to do things a little differently. Using the handy LOLspeak translator I made a significant change in my profile. Ironically, the translator mostly just re-spells words in the LOL dialect so the message of my profile doesn’t sound any different, but it looks pretty different. All caps and almost no words spelled correctly. So what was the aftermath?
The messages kept rolling in seemingly unaware that they were talking to the LOLswitch. They got an abrasive reply that was sent conveniently through the translator.
My outgoing messages ranged from the simple and sweet, “O HAI!” to the more complex “O, IM JUS WRITIN POST ON MAH WEBLOG BOUT HOW STOOPID AN DESPERATE MOST PEEPS ON DIS SIET R. NORMAL DAI, RLY.”
You would think that using the standard LOL dialect, most people would get what I was up to. NOWAI JOSE! I still got the same range of idiotic fake internet Domery and useless platitudes. Some had entire conversations with the LOLswitch where I regularly insulted them and they either missed it or were too horny to care.
Honestly, this is the most fun I’ve had with internet dating since I lost my virginity. So, take the LOLdating challenge. Copy the entire text of your profile on any dating site into the translator and doctor up your profile photos with the LULZ. Stand back and wait for the funnies to roll in.
And let us know what happens!
Ellie: it should just be kink day
Ellie: New “hooker” that schtupped Spitzer to gawk at
Ellie: wait, nevermind
Ellie: socks and butt plugs do not kink make.
Snarling Misanthrope: well, not unless they’re using the butt-plug as a pacifier and the socks are filled with subway tokens…and Kristen was playing the role of a disgruntled Port Authority worker…
Ellie:Well, there is another one for the dumb headline files
Snarling Misanthrope: I mean, to have been a clinton superdelegate, he had to have enjoyed butt plugs
From the Telegraph UK:
“A female fish which hasn’t had full sex for at least 70,000 years is baffling scientists…In fact there aren’t any male Molly fish and the female relies on a dalliance with males of other species. This triggers her reproductive cycle but she doesn’t seem to use any of the sperm passed by her partner. And when her young are born they inherit only her genes and nothing from the male.”
This is like the worst-case nightmare of every aquatic male Craigslister. Their official response?
After the jump. MORE>>
Now, don’t get me wrong, we love whores at Junkbuzzed. In fact we are whores. But it just isn’t right to ask someone to take money for sex unless they are a working whore at the time.
Oh, and don’t try to exchange enrollment in the Christian school that you run for sex with one of your students’ mothers either. (The video of the investigative report is hilarious, one for the vaults.)
Proceed for the squickiest bits of the article. MORE>>
Ms. J. Blige,
You have done a great disservice to the women and men of these fair intertubes. Your song “No More Drama” has insinuated itself into the hearts and minds of the ladyfolk. Thanks to you, Drama is now a catch-all for any trait, habit, addiction, looming prison sentence, marriage status, abundance of neglected children, infectious disease, super-power, lack of super-power, possibility of being a Cylon sleeper agent, pimple, lack of prestige (pimp-mobile), or any other behavior/attribute that a woman might find uncompelling. You have conned women into thinking that they should no longer be conned.
Thanks for fucking it up for us.