sex, lies, and .jpgs


July 25th, 2008 at 1:35 am

My Morning Junket: Boy Scouts Love Porn, Faux-Nazis Love Whippings, Russian Brides Love Swimsuit Contests, and Pantyhose Bandits Love It Queen-Sized

Boy Scouts consider merit badges for porn, cigarettes and booze; Andy Dick applies to be new scout-master: I remember being the most miserable Boy Scout at Camp Merz. I was separated from my comic books, my mother’s (very welcome) incessant coddling, and my dad’s rather extensive stash of porn. Instead I got bugs and male-bonding. And poison oak. It sucked.

Salo! Max Mosley, crimson-striped scourge of the Nazi-esque BDSM underworld, in tandem with a coterie of whip-wielding Ilsas, has she-bedeviled The News of the World, winning his claim that the paper violated his privacy. Mosley, the president of the Federation Internationale de l’Automobile (the Formula One dudes), was the unwitting star of the now-famous BDSM video which lit up most of Europe, depicting him giving whippings, getting whippings, and with possible Nazi overtones. No, Pier Paolo Pasolini didn’t direct it.

This week in Russian Brides news: Been racking up the strike-outs on all the personals sites? Get the hat trick of ‘no’s on Craigslist? Well, you just haven’t been looking hard enough – or, more specifically, you haven’t been looking east enough. So, how would you like a three-day free trial of – “the premier personalized dating and marriage agency for men seeking relationships with Russian women”? specializes in selling matching eligible (re: alive, usually) Russian brides-to-be with equally eligible (re: creepazoid) single men in the west. If you prefer to see your Russian brides in competition, head over to, where the ladies of perestroika gone wrong will compete for the honor of Miss Summer. With dresses and swimsuits and Russian mobsters! But the best part comes straight from the e-tailers themselves: “Miss Summer 2008 will receive a prize from”

When you just gotta have that PVC nurse’s outfit: break in and get it! And then you molest the mannequins, make off with one of them. Grab a few wigs. Oh yeah – and be filmed doing the whole thing. And speaking of ladies’ clothing…

Pantyhose bandit terrorizes suburban white people; white people terrorize the rest of us with cries of ‘what about the children?’ For the past three years, an unnamed middle-aged man has been tossing scads of pantyhose into a residential street, horrifying his neighbors and twisting the minds of their children. The undergarments are always queen-sized, usually black, and sometimes worn, suggesting that there are probably pictures to be found on his local Craigslist.

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