sex, lies, and .jpgs

Junkbuzzed

April 28th, 2008 at 10:23 am

The Few, The Proud, The Pornless

» by The Snarling Misanthrope in: Getting Your Spank On, Litigate This!, Media Mayhem, Sexual Health

It is a bit of an understatement to suggest that this is not the best time to be an American soldier. You know the story: two wars, both ill-conceived and managed with nary a shred of competence; rampant foreclosures on the homefront, many falling upon the families of the soldiers abroad. And a profound refusal of the Senate to upgrade the articles of the GI Bill, as the military is afraid of treating their soldiers too fairly. Because, you know, happy soldiers might be less inclined to dodge roadside bombs and kill things.

And then there is the coup de grace, the proverbial money shot which the religious right (in the you-can’t-too visage of Donald E. Wildmon) and their senatorial adherents have tossed off across the collective nose of the military’s men and women with greater incivility and eye-stinging fluidity than the hardest of hardcore S&M porn. Specifically in the glory loophole-closing of the Military Honor and Decency Act, which, according to its anal-retentive architect, Rep. Paul E. Broun, would disallow the sale of any materials deemed pornographic or obscene on military installations.

The offending materials? Playboy and Penthouse.

A pork-barreled paucity of decency awaits after the jump. MORE>>

I feel a bile-fueled (and possible bio-fueled; anger and snarkishness are both highly bio-degradable, not to mention wholly sex-positive) rant about to nut itself. Since when is Playboy porn? Since way before teh internets, obviously. Although, in the spirit of fairness, I can see why anyone would consider reading 40 years of endless Updike stories offensive on some level.

“Our troops should not see their honor sullied so that the moguls behind magazines like Playboy and Penthouse can profit,” Broun said in a statement.

Donald E. Wildmon, our Made Coach of morality, began his indelicate thrust for this legislation back in November, upon realizing that the new television season featured less openly gay characters than seasons past (because sexual orientation and situation comedy are a dangerous brew). With his magic decoder ring of didactical coitus interruptus, he has shone a light upon the true threat to our military’s continued insecurity: the right to procure jack-off materials on-base.

Of course they should be able to read whatever they want. And considering the feckless clusterfuck of a mission they’ve been so ungently ass-hooked into, shouldn’t we be doing a little more to ensure their masturbatory rack time? Shouldn’t we be shipping giant HAL-sized computer processors brimming with Fucking Machines, I Shot Myself, Anal Marauders, and Abby Winters? Shouldn’t we be USO-ing any and all willing porn stars, MILFs, cocksmen of the first (and girthiest ) order, Suicide Girls, Grabby Award winners, plumpers, plushies, WAMsters, and anyone else who wants to provide a little entertainment? Shouldn’t we be shipping refrigerator-sized crates of Jenna Jameson UR3 Pussy & Ass replicas, as well as water and sand-proof Rabbits, Fun Wands, G-Spot Ascertainers, and Tristan Plugs to our men and women – a veritable Pynchonian wonderland of jack-offery – and in weekly batches? With a few jetpack-sized kegs of Astroglide to top off?

Therefore I hereby propose my own bill, The Big GI Blow, Stroke and Clitnibbling Act. All of the above, donated by the porn-swilling masses (that’s us, my babies) and a little aftercare to boot. Because they deserve and need it, folks. That’s a truth as self-evident as all the DPs, upskirts, and group-floggings clogging up my hard drive. And yours too.

I mean, we’d be setting a great example – recycling and supporting our troops!

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  1. The Few, the Proud, the Pornless - Redux

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