In the spirit of how not to express yourself on Craigslist, we humbly present the following PSA, for your hump-day edifaction:
Well, it’s not as sexy as a proxy-fight, but it’ll have to do: the man-boobed titans of online transaction are at it again – Craigslist (in the peace-symboled trunks, representing Sexual Transaction) countersued eBay (in the red shooting star trunks, representing the Transacting of Everything Else) on Tuesday, claiming eBay broke antitrust laws without respecting safewords or leaving roses on the table. Apparently it has something to do with the introduction of a third (and possibly virtual) partner, some slut named Kijiji, who, according to eBay, has a much nicer ass. Meanwhile, Craig is sullen and depressed, eating tubs of Rainforest Crunch, and only coming out of his poshly-bungalowed bunker to toss off the odd commencement address, stating that he’s too tired to save the world anymore. Can you do it? (Don’t despair, Craig. Your hairy, non-lactating nipple of human weirdness will always be first in the breast pocket of our hearts.)
As for the sexy: in other ‘Who Knows Your Shit, Baby’ news, financial shock-guru and widely-assumed V lizard Carl Icahn is planning another of his shareholder coup d’etats, this time the object of his obsession being Yahoo (which wants you to know that it doesn’t spy on you quite as much as Google does, but, all the same, they’ll be happy to send you up the Yangtze river if you’re a Chinese dissident, or gunk up your junk with adware and spyware, or double-dip your card for their ass-wipe personals service). Yahoo’s loggerheaded fringe is unhappy with the company in the wake of their bungled negotiations with Microsoft, as well as its continued spiral into irrelevance; Icahn is a railroad tycoon in railsplitter’s clothing (assuming that railsplitters have gold cuff-links). This should be fun.
And now, the startling conclusion.
Boys, boys boys…where to begin. Oh, yeah. Whining. Let’s get something straight; whining is not attractive. Neither is begging (unless you’re trying to land a dominatrix; in which case, keep up the good work). And neither is bitching about the fact that no one wants to email/date/fuck you (most likely because you are whining and begging). Hissy fits are generally not regarded as being aphrodisiacal in nature.
And now that we’ve got that little bit of unpleasantness out of the way, let’s move over to the unpleasantness of varying girth. Yes, on to the man-junk. Look. We know you like the sex. The sex is the bomb. We understand this. I myself am a big fan of it. But a little discretion goes a long way. Put the man-junk away unless it is specifically asked for. Pictures of man-junk are like Vienna sausages at a 4-star restaurant: it only gets served on special request. MORE>>
In part one of this Open Letter, we outlined the circumstances that may bring a normally lucid, forward-thinking (okay, we’re reaching) human of any sexual persuasion to the seemingly Salmonella typhimurium-drenched buffet table of Craigslist. Craigslist is indeed like a restaurant that narrowly tap-dances its way out of Health Board-mandated shutdown every few months, and only because the inspector really loves those fucking spring rolls.
Today, in part two, we address the women of Craigslist. Avec torque.
Ladies. Women. O, curves-endowed soul-searchers of the night. Uncle. We get it. Seriously. We get it already. You like tall non-smokers with Master’s degrees. Who love dogs, fondue, and cuddling. And you don’t want to see pictures of man-junk. Furthermore, it is said that you hate the drama. Fan-tastic. Got anything else to share? Mystery is alluring, dear reader (citation needed), but vagueness for its own sake is simply not going to win you any points in the great poon-up or post-off. Posts that put forth little more than “I like dogs and yoga LOL”, followed with a challenge for the menfolk (those hapless, witless wretches who will be first-responders to your lovelorn distress call) to be original, be witty, be clever, are doomed to horrible, flaming failure.
Je me demande pour quelle raison il paraît que nous sommes nés et élevés avec l’idée qu’il faut être méchant avec les français. Après tout, ils sont, en générale très ingénieux.
Veuillez regarder cet bon exemple pris de pages de Craigslist:
“Are you tired of having plenty of hair in your mouth while you suck a dick? Here is the solution! Look at the photo, all the hair is hidden by my underwear. So you quietly lick my balls and dick with no hair in your mouth! If you’re interesting in taking advantage of this new way of sucking, please contact me with your photo and we’ll get in touch pretty soon!”
Mais, il y a de plus, beaucoup plus…Il y a…le photo. Après le saut! PLUS>>
Yes, dear reader (citation needed), it’s primary day again. Today’s electorally-challenged states – North Carolina and Indiana. But quite frankly, we think Indiana is fucking boring. So we’re going to concentrate the barbed-wire tips of our penises (Ellie is wearing her finest strap-on, a mother-of-pearl shaft with a gargoyle head at the end) upon the scorched earth of Tobacco Road. The state that gave us Jesse Helms, Nascar, Andy Griffith, and pulled pork barbecue, the northern hemisphere of the Carolinas also boasts being First in Flight. Which, with no disrespect to the Wright Brothers, can be easily taken as a suggestion.
And so, with further ado, we present a small sampling of the constituency of North Carolina, via Craigslist, on the precipice of actually having their primary matter. Sort of. Apres jump. MORE>>
For your edu-tainment, a follow-up on our earlier post about Gay Fish. It seems that our downstairs neighbor is ready to do away with his tank full of gay purple fish. Enter Craigslist! Yes, this will probably be the only time we ever feature Craiglist in a way that deviates from god’s purpose for the internet: extraneously deviant sexual acrobatics, and subsequent innoculations.
Here, dear reader (citation needed), is the ad, right after the jump (into a tank full of delicious purple homosexuality)… MORE>>
As the Clinton-Obama love train gurgles itself into the last-push stumping grounds of North Carolina and Indiana, we’re going to spend the next couple of days doing some exit polling, Craigslist style. Because the real pulse of America lies somewhere between Craigslist and the American Idol voting lines. Unfortunately, none of the Junkbuzzed staff (including Junkbuzzed slaves, submissives, hangers-on) are masochist enough to watch American Idol. So it’s all Craigslist, baby.
We’ve only begun to crunch the numbers, but there are certain things that are glaring out at us already. For instance, according to our w4m polling in central North Carolina, we have ascertained that the women of the Tar Heel state are retarded, or they have possibly been possessed by evil Nigerian e-scammers. But, as always, we want to take the case to the people. Read, and choose.
“I love to listen & talk about deep thoughts and feelings . I am really all-natural and like being free too express who I really am.
Some adjectives too describe me are: good looking, sophistcated, amazing, alluring, and petite.
A dude that I would admire is a male who is shy & does not grumble over small matters. Although, the appreciation of his thinking abilities is a awesome plus, I adore a fabulous listener & someone who is just down to earth.
I love too dance and Im hoping too find a fantastic dance partner .”
Now here, dear reader (citation needed), is what you must do. You have to choose: real-life woman, escort-scam, or Nigerian? Vote early and often, here in the comments, or via email, at [email protected]. But go the extra mile - and prove your case, and win an autographed jpeg of a body part belonging to a member of the Junkbuzzed editorial staff!
Today, class, we’ll learn that Canada and the United States aren’t terribly different at all. Especially when it comes to Craigslist. You see, dear reader (citation needed), looking for love, especially online, is like distinguishing which is better: ‘meh’, ‘bah’, ‘feh’, or ‘eh’. All you really need to know is that the ratio of creepy junk-shots to grammatical indecision is as alarmingly high as it is in the lower 48. And so, without further ado, Toronto, Ontari-airy-airy-O! Front and centre!
Penis-enlargement trick #17: if you squeeze the base hard enough (not quite to the point of ‘Ow’, but close), the helmet will bulge and look…helmet-ier.
Boarding call! Faceoff coming up after the jump! MORE>>
Craigslist is like the blue cheese of the internet. It’s a piquant Gorgonzola with a gentle hint of venereal infraction and oh-what-the-hell-it’s-Friday-and-I-ain’t-got-no-baby bi-curiosity. It goes well with anything acidic, like sarcasm, penicillin, and federal racketeering charges.
Craigslist epitomizes the you-can-too spirit of the internet, in that it takes on all comers (literally, figuratively, and esoterically), and sets them loose in the e-wilds of transactive fulfillment. How blue-veined your soul becomes is entirely dependent on the ph of your desperation. (And desperation is equal to or greater than the sum total of your grammatical errors.)
The beauty of Craigslist is in its simplicity; that, like in any blue cheese, the base fromage can be anyone or anything. For instance. Cute, HWP girl looking for a drama-free hepcat with tattoos who match hers? Penicillium camemberti. Stray dog in need of a quick, consequence-free nut? Penicillium roqueforti, all the way, baby.
Nobody gets it right the first time, folks. So please enjoy this practice quiz from your friends at Junkbuzzed. Match up the people seeking on the left with the people sought on the right. Think of it as the tree-cave from The Empire Strikes Back:
Luke: “What’s in there?” Yoda: “Only what you take with you.”
HINT: “Not Choosy” is assumed, not stated. And, uh…try not to lose your head.
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- An Open Letter to You Who Troll Craigslist: For the Fellas
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- An Open Letter to You Who Troll Craigslist
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