Very Fucky, But No Cigar

The don’t-piss-where-you-live theory of dating


So, I’m on CollarMe today (wow, we really need a new whipping horse around here don’t we?) and notice that a person with an obviously fake photo viewed my profile. So, I clicked on over to their profile to be all, “Hey, ’sup fake picture! Tricking lots of horny guys today.” I get to reading and find a real treat. What is the best icing on the cake when you have a fake picture? How about a really inflammatory, rude, bitchy profile that makes sweeping generalizations about entire genders, sexual orientations, and types of kinky people?

We have hit pay dirt in the case of this user! “She” wants you to know right away who may not contact her:

No Dyke/Butch Females, NO Boi’s. NO TV’s, TS’s, I have nothing at all aginst any of you, I just do not want to interact with YOU! PERIOD. :)
Have a lovely day.

Doesn’t that completely empty platitude make you feel better? Here you were drooling over her snapshot of an 80s porn star and you were rejected. But she has nothing against you! She just doesn’t want you to even TALK TO HER. Now I’m not saying that people need to be equal opportunity fuckers, that would just be absurd and the very nature of attraction is discrimination (between who you have a taste for and who you don’t). But profiles like this come off as twat-tastic (not in the good way) and here is where we get to the real problem. See, she finally lets us know what she wants:

I only, enjoy desire, and will interact with Bi Sexual very femine “FEMALES”, “Born A female physically.

Oh, and guess what? I fit that category. I am in her winner’s circle but I’m turned off. See, I’m the only judgemental and pissy bitch that I want to fuck and I’ll do that with my Rock Chick (as opposed to a reject from “Rock of Love”) before I’ll buy into someone’s tacky stereotypes. Oh, didn’t think she was that offensive yet? How about this lovely analysis of the lesbian psyche:

I do not have interest in most lesbians, most do not understand the depth of the lifestyle, mainly because their deep seeded distaste for men cause them to not focuse on love, and most are just to jealous for a Mistress such as me.

Oh thanks Freud, tell me more please! I’m not even going to touch the fact that the spelling and grammar make my clit want to run away and hide in my uterus, no matter how you dice it, this sort of crap isn’t sexy. Guess what? You don’t need any excuse for ruling out a group of people that you’re not interested other than “No thanks, I’m not interested.” If someone asks you why? Well, repeat after me, “I’m not attracted to you.” Does that require insulting whole groups of people with negative stereotypes? Nope not at all.

When you write a personals profile that shows your ignorance you will get the exact opposite of what you want, I promise. The people that are just attracted to your shitty fake photo and don’t even read it will still message you. The ones that you are trying to attract, though? Well they won’t want you because you just sound mean. You want hot bi babes? Well, babe, don’t piss where you live.

April 30th, 2008 Posted by Ellie | Bitches Please, Getting Your Spank On, What's My Predicate? | one comment

Bring Me the Bore(d) Worms

Oh, Ornella. You still make my boy parts tingle.

A little time-killer from the Keystone State Craigslist. See what sorts of trouble one missing d can get you into?

Damn you, fazzah!

April 20th, 2008 Posted by The Snarling Misanthrope | Bring Me the Bore(d) Worms, One-Line Wonders, What's My Predicate? | no comments

Word of the Week: Boobswaggling

boobs·wag·gled, boobs·wag·gling, boobs·wag·gles

1. To half-expose one’s breasts and waggle them in the general direction of others, usually a group: After her sixth shot of Crown Royal, Barb began boobswaggling the rest of the bar.

1. The act of boobswaggling.

1. A female pirate off the coast of Boobswagglia.
1. One who boobswaggles.

boobs·wag·gling, boobs·wag·gly
1. A qualifier for girls who boobswaggle: She was a boobswaggling jill of all jacks.

April 19th, 2008 Posted by The Snarling Misanthrope | The Sexicon, What's My Predicate? | one comment