Every contact sport worth engaging in has its two-minute warning.

Football has a flurry of whistle-blowing and a commercial break. Baseball has the seventh-inning stretch, which is comprised mainly of waiting in bathroom lines and singing songs. Basketball has the doubly-entendred shot clock. Soccer has…well, whatever soccer has. But we’re sure it involves dark lager, body paint, and a fair bit of rioting.

And then there’s marriage, along with its semi-retarded second-cousin LTR, who between the two of them have perfected what may be sport’s finest and most equitable two-minute warning.

When it comes to sex, the two-minute warning is signaled by the shoulder-tap. The shoulder-tap is a two-pat tap, performed in quick succession. This tapping means that it’s time to wrap this fucking thing up – you’ve got two minutes; make good use of them. Either get it into the end zone – you know, score already – or make do with a field-goal attempt (turn over and jack off). And if you have to punt or take a knee, so be it. But keep in mind that there will be no further time-outs or commercial breaks. And there will be, under no circumstances, any 2-point attempts (meaning, if you try to stick it in her ass, she will go all Jesse Jackson on your ass – there will be no reparations here – only nut-cutting and the subsequent telling of the tale to Bill O’Reilly).

It’s like the buddy system – she taps, you nod, perspire, and wrap it the hell up already. And when you get the tap – and you will, eventually – you can’t whine or complain about it. She’s not going to take it under review, she’s not going to put any minutes back on the clock, and she’s certainly not going to put up with you continuing to play under protest. That, dear reader (citation needed), is a penalty which you do not want to incur. Because no one wants to forfeit when they’re already ahead.

And you’d do well to finish in the allotted two minutes, as there will be no overtime, no extra innings, no instant-replay. But if you try to push for added time, there will most certainly be sudden death. If you’re really lucky though, she’ll turn her back or turn on the TV so you can have a free-throw.

But that’s a sport of a different sort.

And there’s no time limit on that.

No related posts.