One of the primary goals of the DNC is to establish once and for all to mainstream America that Barack Obama is just a regular ol’ American. Who happens to be a black Muslim extremist bent on selling the US to Al Qaeda (well, the parts of it that the Bush administration didn’t already auction off), take away people’s guns, religion, and lay claim to all of this country’s hot Hollywood starlets. You know, the white ones. To accomplish these goals over the next four days, the DNC is working on a five-point plan that they will begin to unveil tonight. Here are the highlights of said plan, according to our well-placed sources:
1. Levitra is not for everyone. Taking a page from the Republican playbook, the Democrats will wow American with a bit of unrelated claptrap. And what better way to go than to talk about erectile dysfunction? Part of the Obama campaign’s platform will be to make a key pledge to the populace – next year, along with their tax returns, every male citizen will receive a free one-year supply of the E.D. drug of their choice. Tax cuts are nice, but a ready-to-fuck America is a happy and productive America.
2. Emasculate the living ghost of John Kerry. On night three of the convention, Massachusetts senator and former presidential candidate John Kerry will be ushered onstage, clad in only a black leather hood and jockstrap ensemble. At this point, the Democratic elite will take to the stage and whip Kerry mercilessly, in an effort to prove to Americans that the Democratic Party is not a bunch of pussies, and that from this point forward, they will treat failure/pussyness within their party as an offense punishable by public beating.
3. Bill Clinton really likes black people, especially Barack Obama. The Democrats know that they can’t take the White House unless they find a way to settle the blood feud between the Clintons and the Obamas. As such, President Clinton will address the convention this week, talking mostly about foreign affairs and security. At the conclusion of his speech, he will make out with Barack Obama. The Dems realize that the sight of Bill Clinton playing homosexual tonsil hockey will cause a great many voters to throw up in their mouths; however, they feel that this is the only way to effectively court the bruised egos of uncommitted Clinton Democrats everywhere. At the same time, they feel that this is the best way to prove to Gay America that everything’s gonna be okay.
4. Joe Biden is a white guy. The best way for Obama to differentiate himself from Senator McCain is to not bother doing so at all. After all, if there’s one thing that America loves, it’s knowing that cranky, batshit insane old white dudes are running things. In particular, they love cranky white dudes who appear to be too old to have sex and don’t know shit from their asses. Which is exactly why Biden was selected as Obama’s running mate – he fills that quotient perfectly. Sure, he knows a lot of stuff, but he’s already been instructed to dumb it down significantly. Senator Biden’s speech this week is expected to be laced with profanity, numerous memory gaps, and not-so-thinly veiled threats to bomb the shit out of every other country in the known world. The speech will end with him calling his wife Jill a cunt.
5. Phelps, Phelps, Phelps! If all else fails, the INVESCO Center will be flooded with approximately 12 feet of water, at which point Michael Phelps will be lowered from a helicopter and swim laps for an hour, or until everybody starts applauding again. And then a Caligulesque water-orgy will ensue. Because if there are two more things that America loves, it’s Michael Phelps and water-orgies.
Other than the convention planning, the scene here in Denver is one of pure pandemonium – mostly a bunch of white married guys simultaneously posting to m4w and m4m on Craigslist. Oh, and Jim Webb won’t stop chasing women around the place, begging them to play ‘army’ with him. After each inevitable shoot-down, he gets all red-faced and starts shrieking that this is why chicks shouldn’t be allowed to fight.
The seventh chick he pulled that on kneed him in the groin. Guess she knew how to fight.
It’s a jungle out here, kids. Bring your armor.
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