sex, lies, and .jpgs


July 25th, 2008 at 11:24 am


Cover up your genitals and say a prayer, because God’s once again casting a sheep’s eye upon us all. And what he’s got in store for us today is bigger than Verne Troyer’s braunschweiger-like tongue bestowing itself upon the tonsils of our sexual awareness. And today that tongue is wagging squarely at the issue of threesomes.

They say it is a sin to covet your neighbor’s wife. Well, actually God said that. But omnipotent, imaginary beings always reserve the right to change their minds, and thus, it appears we might have ourselves an amended commandment. Besides – God’s mellowing out a bit of late – we think it’s all those John Mayer ballads. Either that or the effects of global warming are melting Heaven and making the poor fella brain-shaky like a McCain press conference.

Suffice to say that the tenth (but fifth most popular, after Ringo) commandment was sorta Old Testament, old-school divination. This is version 2.0. And 2.0 is all about some crunk and some three-way action.

So about that whole not coveting the neighbor’s wife thing…ah, sure – go ahead. Why not – providing you, good Christian, your good Christian wife, and the good Christian neighbor wife are all in perfect understanding that this experience isn’t about the sex. Of course not! It’s a beautiful religious experience between you, the missus, someone else’s missus, and of course, the Almighty. Just make sure the threesome is enacted according to the lord’s fantasy plan: boy, girl, girl. There will be no boy, boy, girl lineups; or, worse – boy to the third power. God does not want you to take any chances of crossing the streams.

Because while it’s totally fucked-up to have boy-boy sex, girl-girl sex is, in the eyes of the lord, the absolute shit. As long as they’re not bull-dykes. Because God always intended for the bull and the Heather to remain mutually exclusive entities. Lipstick lesbians are still pretty okay, though – as long as at the end of they day, they remember their place – at the feet of their good Christian men.

Also make sure that you pop a few Viagra like communion wafer before you set yourself to the Job-like task at hand – God does not approve of a good Christian man who would pass out after a single pass at a single pussy. This is divine will, motherfucker – you need pills for that.

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