sex, lies, and .jpgs


July 22nd, 2008 at 4:22 pm

OMG (Orchestral Maneuvers in the God) ! GOD, ANAL SODOMY, AND YOU

If you’re like me, you were imbued with at least a modicum of religion as a child. If you’re still like me, you’re a fully functioning adult pervert now. And if you’re not so much like me, you’re still encumbered with the mise-en-place of sex and superstition – you know – trinity: onions, celery, and a deep, abiding shame. So what does God think of your assorted kinks, quirks, and perversions?

Well, Sex in Christ has got good news for you – God says it’s okay to have anal sex! Well, so long as it’s male-to-female anal sex, anyway. God’s still not sold on the whole boy-boy/girl-Feeldoe-boy/girl-Feeldoe-girl thing. But I guess any anal sex news is good anal sex news from the spooky ether of The Old Testament.

Yes, God has turned off his targeting computer, and is now aiming for the small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. He’s locked in; he’s got the Force on his side, and there ain’t no pillars of salt in sight.

Obviously the good lord has our best interests in mind. His reasons for sanctioning hetero-only ass-fucking include:

- God does not want you to have to lose sleep over an unwanted pregnancy. He’s totally cool with anal chafing though.

- God wants unmarried boys to nut as much as possible, but not so much for the girls. Jamming it up her ass is a good way of assuring both her discomfort (a hallmark of good Christian femininity) as well as her virginity.

- God also says not to worry about the orifice in question being unclean or dirty – the lord recommends keeping your ass-bride to-be on a strict diet of roughage and soy products. And if you’re still worried about dirtying up your God-stick, fear not – he says it’s okay to wear a bag. As long as the bag isn’t for anti-procreative uses.

But like most things, including ass, the Devil is really in the details. You see, dear reader (citation needed), according to this erudite sodomite, the imposing of anal sex on your good Christian lady-friend is the ideal way to stave off the persuasions of the Devil, who really wants you to stick it in her vadge, thus committing the unpardonable sin of Ungodlike Pre-Marital Sex, for which you will burn in hell and probably have to spend the rest of eternity working at Wal-Mart. In hell. While burning. And getting poked in the ass by really mean devil-types.

And is that such a bad thing?

Because really, ‘God told me to’ is no substitute for what coke, Cialis, and poor judgment should already be doing for you. Or, to paraphrase Billy Joel, I’d rather sodomize with the sinners than (insert lame, pious verb here) with the saints.

It’s sin-free sex, right up there with nicotine-free cigarettes, near-beer, and fat-free chocolate pudding. At least Splenda brings with it the risk of cancer. But totally sin and risk-free? There’s no Devil in those details.

So I think I’ll just stay old-school on this one.


Because the Devil totally made me do it. A lot.

Amen, hallelujah, and back that ass up.

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