Rage Against the Pussy (RATP)
The rage these days is pussy – but not any old pussy – actually, especially not old pussy. Designer vaginas are the hot genital ticket – pimped-up pussies, souped-up snatches, beefed-up boxes, haute cunt-oure – whatever you want to call it – they’re this year’s hepatitis A! Hey, it’s what’s in vogue. And you’re missing out. So pick up that ham sandwich – eating disorders are so last year – and pick up your pussy – surgically!
Yes, the pussy as product has come a long way, baby. Actually, it’s come from babies – to beautifications of the most draconian persuasion. But it’s all for a good reason – Leading Doctors have recently confirmed that most women suffer from the debilitating condition known as UPS (Ugly Pussy Syndrome). It’s not a killer, but it is mildly worse than RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). And it needs your attention. Like, now. Because your pussy should never look like it’s having a bad hair day. Or a bad pussy day for that matter.
Apparently once a girl hits a certain age or sexual mileage, her pussy breaks down like an old time-clock that just won’t punch anymore. The lips become distended and jowly like Henry Kissinger, and the clitoris wrinkles up like a Tree Person from Lord of the Rings. There’s a Did You Know for your next social gathering.
What’s more, apparently a lot of pussies are either defective or just plain old ugly. Maybe it’s too puckered, like a NetRoots blogger looking for a book deal or something to eat. Or maybe it’s just too big. Nobody likes a fat pussy. Fat pussies look like the faces of guys who have been in too many bar fights. An oversized pussy is the hallmark of self-acceptance and/or feminist inclinations – and neither of those will get you married or keep your already-philandering husbands!
So the facts are out there: your pussies are ugly and you need to fix them posthaste. And like a good American consumer, you should now feel compelled to act on this. I know this is probably all News To You – hell, it’s News To Me too. But who are we to question what Leading Doctors Recommend? Or, for that matter, the stars of the upcoming TLC smash-hit Extreme Muff Makeover? Me, I’m not sure what a pretty pussy is supposed to look like, but from what I’m reading, they should look not at all the way they currently do. So let’s take a gander at some of the options waiting for you, because Pussy Version 2.0 (PV2) has finally arrived, with more interactive features than an iPhone:
The TMI of Female Genital Cosmetic Enhancements (FGCE)
Liquid virgin drops! Okay, something that fucked-up deserves more than one exclamation point. So let’s try that one again: Liquid virgin drops!!!!! I’m pretty sure this is the sort of thing that the No-Pussy Posse wing of MIT spends their time working on. It’s the equivalent of taking a link sausage, hollowing it out, freeze-drying it until its puffy-hard, and plopping your cock into it. Maybe I’m just too damned naïve for my own good, but when my eyes settled upon the words Liquid Virgin Drops, my first thought was that this had to be a Tina Fey-penned commercial satire I missed the first time around. Oh – and I almost forgot the best part – its main ingredient. Potassium alum, which is the main ingredient in most commercial deodorants. You know – strong enough for a man, but painful enough for a woman!
Cosmogynecology. The pussy spa, for weak and underperforming vaginas (LPD – Lazy Pussy Disorder). Your limp-wristed little vadge will be put through the rigors of Extreme Conditioning, as it is shaped, molded, berated, and forced to intensify its squeezing power until it has the ability to make steel cry.
Vaginoplasty. This is the nip/tuck/tightening-up of the proverbial shit. It’s kind of like circumcision. Except vadge-ier. And guaranteed to kill enough nerve-endings to make you want to kill yourself. But you know what they say – fashion hurts.
Labiaplasty, a/k/a the Toronto Trim. Has your pussy developed laugh-lines? No problem – we’ll do some more nipping and tucking, and give your pussy the put-on detached cool of a Gawker blog. Besides, you really don’t need all that protective covering, do you? Seriously? Yes, it might make you more prone to infection – but that’s a small price to pay for looking like a Realdoll.
Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation™ (because anything that sounds like a weapon from Star Wars and has the word ‘pussy’ squeezed in most certainly deserves its very own trademark). I’ll say this – if I had a pussy, I’d so want to stick it under a laser. Preferably one that makes lots of ‘you’re burning it’ sizzling noises like you’d hear at a Golden Corral.
Revirgination. Also known as hymenoplasty. It’s pretty much what it sounds like – the good and ethical doctor reattaches your hymen (or builds you a new one out of your retinas) in order to restore your fallen honor. But the best part of Revirgination is in its marketing, where you’re urged to “surprise him on your second honeymoon!” It’s also the best way to say, “I hate my body almost as much as you do! Please enjoy this new plastic pussy as a token of my unswerving love to you!”
An added bonus of pussy-pimping is that men will now be better able to locate your clitorises. Because the ideal pussy should look like a door tightly covered in manga-pink tarp – smooth all over, with a clearly-defined knob, and a just-his-size mail hole.
You can also have rims and hydraulics installed for a nominal charge, to ensure that your man will never get bored with you again! Remember, PSP isn’t just a video game platform: it’s Porn-Star Pussy all the way!
Oh – please bear in mind that none of these will be covered by your insurance. So start saving, ladies!