Junkbuzzed

An Open Letter to You Who Troll Craigslist: For the Fellas

PART III: Duuuuuuuudes.

Part I.

Part II.

And now, the startling conclusion.

Boys, boys boys…where to begin. Oh, yeah. Whining. Let’s get something straight; whining is not attractive. Neither is begging (unless you’re trying to land a dominatrix; in which case, keep up the good work). And neither is bitching about the fact that no one wants to email/date/fuck you (most likely because you are whining and begging). Hissy fits are generally not regarded as being aphrodisiacal in nature.

And now that we’ve got that little bit of unpleasantness out of the way, let’s move over to the unpleasantness of varying girth. Yes, on to the man-junk. Look. We know you like the sex. The sex is the bomb. We understand this. I myself am a big fan of it. But a little discretion goes a long way. Put the man-junk away unless it is specifically asked for. Pictures of man-junk are like Vienna sausages at a 4-star restaurant: it only gets served on special request. MORE>>

I have, In The Name Of Science, dutifully read through many a day’s postings from the men to the women. After the first 10 or so posts, it all starts to read like LOLcats….

“o hai! lick mai taint plz i gots 12in srsly 420 kewl”

This is not the phrase one employs in the pursuit of True Love (or To Blave). It is not the phrase one employs even if one is trying to get one’s taint licked (South Carolina, I’m looking at you).

Having a sense of humor helps. Displaying a sense of humor is even better. And not in a “I broke my last girlfriend’s jaw cuz she was a bitch lol” sort of way, either. The ladies, they don’t go for that sort of thing. Just trust me on this one. Ain’t gonna play.

And for those of you who walk on the wilder side. Any half-rational woman (even the ones out in South Carolina - just kidding, ladies of South Cackalacky - we loves ya!) is not going to respond to your post offering an impromptu whipping and tit-clamping session at the local Motel 6. Don’t bother leaving the light on, unless you plan on doing some heavy reading (I suggest Proust - it’s thematically similar). Just saying.

Also, for all you sensitive-but-pure literary types looking for a muse/escort (otherwise known as The Buying of Lot’s 69): just stop it. It isn’t romantic. It’s creepy and pretentious. And nobody wants to see pretentious man-junk. Not ever.

Get over your irrational hatred of women larger than 120lbs. Especially if you look like anything less than a Greek deity. (The only deity I have been compared to is Pan, if Pan did a stint in rehab – okay, two – and upon his release, ate several of the other gods.) If nothing else, look at it from a purely pragmatic point of view: the lady-parts you idealize so much are just…bigger. And we as Americans enjoy our God-given right to have the things we love biggie-sized (except for the man-junk, sadly. I have friends at MIT working on it.). So this is a good thing, is it not? Let us take a moment to tabulate. The boobies get bigger; yay for our side! The bottoms get bigger; yay for our side yet again! More boobies, more bottoms, more reasons for the man-junk to jack itself up into junkie nirvana.

And on the topic of rampant misogyny, it is in extremely poor taste to flag a posting from a woman who commits the crime of not responding to your pedantic form email and man-junk pictures. Of course they don’t want to fuck you – you keep flagging them.

Oh, and one other thing. Stop hedging your bets by simultaneously posting in m4m (aloha, married men!) with the header “str8 dude sks jackoff buddy”. If you really want to get the girl, then concentrate on getting the girl. If you really want a jackoff buddy, then at least spell out the word ’straight’. Because most of my gay friends have English degrees. And they think bi-curious straight dudes are fucking hysterical.

And a few last-minute tips for both sexes: Grammar is your friend. Learn to utilize this wonderful language we have, in its written form. Spelling counts. If you cannot articulate yourself in written form (a form which should work to your advantage: you have time to consider, edit, and spell-check), how should anyone expect you to articulate yourself in person? Punctuation too, is a friend to all, not unlike Kate Hudson’s dog. Colons, Semi-colons, commas and hyphens are neither varieties of Japanese throwing star, nor leftover bits from your box of Lucky Charms.

Of course, many of you will keep on keeping on. Which is fine. Your posts bring great entertainment to the mass of giggling lurkers out there (yes, we are giggling at you specifically). We wish you all the best. Now get out there and do those grimy things you do!

If you disagree with any of the above statements, feel free to fire off a hastily composed missive calling me a dumbass, megalomaniac, or granola eating fuckshit. I will cheerfully reply with pictures of my man-junk. And they will not be blurry.

Related posts:

1. An Open Letter to You Who Troll Craigslist: For the Ladies

May 12th, 2008 Posted by The Snarling Misanthrope | Best of Douchelist | 4 comments