sex, lies, and .jpgs


July 28th, 2008 at 12:02 pm

The Dick-Cock Variations

We all make and respond to dick jokes on a base level. It is something of a biological imperative. You see, dear reader (citation needed), some days a boy has a dick. Other days a boy has a cock. And some days we just don’t have dick.

The differences between dick and cock are elephantine in context if not in the flesh.

Dick looks like the weird kid in a beanie. Cock is a boneless filet of Big Toe (no camel; no jam). Dick is rooted in adolescence, in the spirit of play. Dick is more jocular, more of a catch-all sort of concept. It lends itself to other things; it’s just needy like that. Dick wants to be everybody’s friend, while still kinda being a Dick.

Cock on the other hand is all business. Cock is meaty, beaty, big and bouncy. Cock is a naked drum circle out in the woods, reciting the poetry of Michael Madsen. Cock is not a joke. Cock is No Laughing Matter.

Cocks are given as names to sports teams and machine components. Petcock. Ballcock. Back-cock. Bibcock. Gamecock. Stopcock. Shuttlecock. Dicks are given as names in an appropriately ironic or freewheeling context. And politicians. Philip K. Deadeye. Sporting Goods. Vitale. Lugar. Armey. Durbin. Cheney. Nixon.

Dick is a Jack Russell on a Cialis/speedball cocktail. Cock is stealthy, cool and smooth, like a private dick. Dick is a propeller cap. Dick is a book of Truly Tasteless Jokes. Dick is what you got and what you ain’t got, all at the same time. Cock is an old-school pigskin football helmet. Cock is dense like Norman Mailer. Cock is what is, what was, and will always be.

Dick listens to Warrant. Cock listens to Wagner.

You don’t have to like dick. It is totally acceptable to be anti-dick. But everyone respects cock.

Dick Butkis; Cock ass-pound.

You have to have a cock to do some deep-dicking.

A cock-tease hurts like the dickens.

Too much dicking around will leave you half-cocked.

The coxswain runs a ship; dick is a fish who eats people’s arms.

Cocks get Prince Albert; dicks get Tom and Harry.

Coq au vin is to Beaujolais as Diet Tab is to spotted dick.

You can get mile high in a cockpit, but you can’t smoke a dick.

Cock a doodle do; dicks don’t.

Everybody likes a cocksucker, but nobody likes a dick-head.

David Arquette loves Cox. 4-Star Generals love Dix.

Dick is to Bush as cock is to bare and smooth.

Everyone enjoys a good cock and bull story every now and then. Nobody wants to hear about a bull’s dick.

The cock crows loudest. Dicks end up eating crow.

You can be cockeyed, but you if you find yourself dick-eyed, you’d better see your optometrist.

Moby Dick is to sperm as cockhorse is to the sperm of Catholic priests.

Dick comes in wads and weeds, while cock comes with a tail and goes down easy.

You can be cock of the walk, but nobody wants to see you pull a dick move.

You can get your dick rubbed in the dirt, but a cock can block almost anything.

Sometimes it’s good to be cocky, but you never want to be caught in a dickie.

Only Batman and W. ask for Dick by name.

You can be a dickhead, but you can only give good head to a cock.

Dick is tricky, but cock is a lock.

You can dick around and not get anything done.

Being cocksure is a good thing, but you can’t be dick-sure unless you’re sure that you’re a dick.

A dick-slap is fun and games. A cock-slap generally means war.

You can cock a gun, but if you dick it, you’re fucked.

Dick likes to fuck around. Cock likes to fuck it up.

You can suck a dick, but you can’t be a dicksucker.

Cock-ale will fuck you up and never give you dick-breath.

We seem to have a soft spot for dicks, as we keep electing Dicks who are tricky, Lugar, and Armey. But we never elect cocks.

Dickens has Great Expectations; Cocker gets by with a little help from his friends.

Chicks can have dicks but be careful of a cock-up on Craigslist.

Cocks get rings and studs; Andy Dick gets studs, as well as mug-shots and rehab.

Who killed Cock Robin? I, said the Dick.

Fun with Dick and Jane ultimately turns into a cock-fight.

Cock-a-benny; Mocha Dick.

Cockroach; stop bogarting the roach, you dick.

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  1. The Redemptive Power of the Dick Joke
  2. More Sex & Acronyms
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  • 1

    Huh. I like dicks and cocks, but pricks not so much, and penises not at all. And I’ve been reading through your archives and sniggering happily for the past hour or so.

    Z on July 28th, 2008
  • 2

    […] The Dick-Cock Variations “Dick listens to Warrant. Cock listens to Wagner.” […]

  • 3

    Maybe it’s just the eyes, but for a moment I thought “Dear God, what kind of performance art is Miranda July up to now?” The Wagner comment is brilliant by the by. Consider it duly stolen.

    K on July 30th, 2008
  • 4

    That’s okay; I stole it from the ghost of Fritz Lang.

    The Snarling Misanthrope on July 30th, 2008


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