Online dating sites seem to pop up like politicians in a brothel. The deluge is seemingly endless so how do you navigate the influx of online self-promotion opportunities? Here are a few new (and not so new ones) that you may have missed.
Sweet on Geeks
Complete with a banner ad for Mensa, this site promises to hook you up with the hot geek of your dreams. Of course this isn’t really a new idea and we’re a bit surprised how messy and non Web 2.0 the design is (can’t these geeks do better?). Yeah, we’re still signing up.
Crazy Blind Date
As if people living in really great cities didn’t already have enough perks, the makers of OkCupid have started a site that will guarantee to get you stalked faster than it takes for Dominos to deliver a pizza - IGD at its finest. CrazyBlindDate doesn’t show you profiles or pictures, just some fast and dirty demographic data about your potential match and then it thrusts you into the real world. Don’t forget to pack your condoms and mace!
WooMe is speed dating for the internet. We tried it and concluded that talking to a complete stranger on webcam is about as pleasant as talking to a complete stranger in any contrived singles dating setting. It sucks.
Oh, and AshleyMadison.com isn’t news to anyone but the world’s largest infidelity dating service now has 2 million members. The press-release reads like an Onion article: “This massive and wide-spread growth means that attached men and women can easily connect with other like-minded adults in their local area, making Ashley Madison the #1 site for extra-marital affairs.” I wonder what the #2 site is. . .
The grimy mass of the sex blogosphere served up to you on a platter. Or paper plate, as the case may be. . .
The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #132? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
“A bill outlawing the possession of “extreme pornography” is set to become law next week.”
M is for Mine
“You comment on my wetness.”
The Story Behind the Waxing
“I tend to go to people that I trust really know what they are doing when it comes to my pussy.”
Mr. Sugasm Himself
Keeley Hazell Regrets
The sadistic impulse
Join the Sugasm
See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.
So, it looks like TSM has managed to
corrupt win over the fickle hearts of some of the hottest sex bloggers on his first time out of the gate.
The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #131? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
Gross Spelling Errors Turn Me Off
“Here are a few other word issues that come up in sex writing that throw me off and drive me crazy.”
“I want time to sip my whisky, to drink you in as you unveil yourself, as you offer your body to my steady gaze.”
Learning My Limits (Part 1)
“It hurts. It’s gorgeous. ”
Mr. Sugasm Himself
24-Months of AVN Online, $0
The Few, The Proud, The Pornless
Join the Sugasm
See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.
Some of the best emails I get on Collarme are the poetry. Yes, thats right, the poetry. I’m normally charmed by British guys but this particular one was channeling ever foppish and bullshit stereotype out there:
I write red words
On the white page of your heart:
Red words of passion,
Red words of love.
And the great romance made
Is the daily story of our love.
Um, it goes on. This poem is shitty but that isn’t the point. Clearly this dude is sending out his crap emo/gawf poetry as a form letter on the off chance that it will make me say, “OMG, I am sooooo turned on by your tortured/romantic/idealistic vision of the world in free verse, tie me up and shove something up my ass” (this user listed himself as an “Expert” at anal play).
My profile on the site (sadly no longer in LOL-dialect) specifies that form letters will get one in return. There was only one appropriate option:
It is my pleasure to inform you that after reading and discussing your poem, our Selection Committee has certified your poem as a semi-finalist in our Open Poetry Contest.Your poem will automatically be entered into the final competition held in Spring. As a semi-finalist, you have an excellent chance of winning one of 70 cash or gift prizes–you may even win the $1,000,000 Grand Prize.
So, I’m on CollarMe today (wow, we really need a new whipping horse around here don’t we?) and notice that a person with an obviously fake photo viewed my profile. So, I clicked on over to their profile to be all, “Hey, ’sup fake picture! Tricking lots of horny guys today.” I get to reading and find a real treat. What is the best icing on the cake when you have a fake picture? How about a really inflammatory, rude, bitchy profile that makes sweeping generalizations about entire genders, sexual orientations, and types of kinky people?
We have hit pay dirt in the case of this user! “She” wants you to know right away who may not contact her:
No Dyke/Butch Females, NO Boi’s. NO TV’s, TS’s, I have nothing at all aginst any of you, I just do not want to interact with YOU! PERIOD.
Have a lovely day.
Doesn’t that completely empty platitude make you feel better? Here you were drooling over her snapshot of an 80s porn star and you were rejected. But she has nothing against you! She just doesn’t want you to even TALK TO HER. Now I’m not saying that people need to be equal opportunity fuckers, that would just be absurd and the very nature of attraction is discrimination (between who you have a taste for and who you don’t). But profiles like this come off as twat-tastic (not in the good way) and here is where we get to the real problem. See, she finally lets us know what she wants:
I only, enjoy desire, and will interact with Bi Sexual very femine “FEMALES”, “Born A female physically.
Oh, and guess what? I fit that category. I am in her winner’s circle but I’m turned off. See, I’m the only judgemental and pissy bitch that I want to fuck and I’ll do that with my Rock Chick (as opposed to a reject from “Rock of Love”) before I’ll buy into someone’s tacky stereotypes. Oh, didn’t think she was that offensive yet? How about this lovely analysis of the lesbian psyche:
I do not have interest in most lesbians, most do not understand the depth of the lifestyle, mainly because their deep seeded distaste for men cause them to not focuse on love, and most are just to jealous for a Mistress such as me.
Oh thanks Freud, tell me more please! I’m not even going to touch the fact that the spelling and grammar make my clit want to run away and hide in my uterus, no matter how you dice it, this sort of crap isn’t sexy. Guess what? You don’t need any excuse for ruling out a group of people that you’re not interested other than “No thanks, I’m not interested.” If someone asks you why? Well, repeat after me, “I’m not attracted to you.” Does that require insulting whole groups of people with negative stereotypes? Nope not at all.
When you write a personals profile that shows your ignorance you will get the exact opposite of what you want, I promise. The people that are just attracted to your shitty fake photo and don’t even read it will still message you. The ones that you are trying to attract, though? Well they won’t want you because you just sound mean. You want hot bi babes? Well, babe, don’t piss where you live.
Until last week I thought that a subway crush was a terrible tragedy resulting from a terrorist attack or pop star sighting while on the train. However, SubwayCrush.com has a different idea and hosts a bevy of missed connections style ads from train riders in any of the 5 boroughs (of course if you take the bus, you are outta luck).
The tagline of the site says it all:
Why do they call it a crush?
Because that is how you feel when they get off the train before you can say ‘hi’
Aww, if that doesn’t tug at the iPod strings, I don’t know what does. Just like most missed connections ads, there is a running theme of either creepy, pathetic, or creepy-pathetic. However, since dwellers of New York City are naturally hipper, smarter, and sexier than the rest of us I find myself intrigued. Sure I live 964 miles South of the last stop on the R train (thanks Google Maps!) but I can’t help but marvel at these glamorous people that travel to work in high speed, underground tin cans and amaze each other with their charm and wit. If they can’t get laid, how can I?
For instance, nothing woos the ladies, like telling them you hope they have a wand:
You got on @ 3rd ave. We made some eyes at eachother. You sort of look like a grown up version of the chick from Harry Potter. I’m pretty sure you cast a level 3 charm spell on me. Thanks for that.
How about some poetry in motion?
Are there chapter books under there? Handsome underwear? Will you take me to your lair? Do you have more stares to spare?
And of course, if Casual Encounters is too complicated and you need someone to suggest your mass transit route for you to be ready to hook up (roller-coaster style):
I will be in front of the subway station bathroom at Coney island wearing a Yankees shirt and shorts at exactly 4:30pm today. Any ladies that want a ride on my cyclone can get a free ride. Just say hi and lets slip into a stall and get roller coasting! (link dead but the funny lives for ever)
Remember kids, if you make it clever and leave your trench coat at home, you aren’t a creep at all!
On an average day when I check the messages I receive on Collarme, I get to experience a range of emotions. It can go anywhere from sorrow, to pity, to rage, to joyous laughter. Most of the time it is confusion. How can a bunch of people that are trying SO fucking hard really be trying so little?
After the ninth message in the day that clearly hadn’t read my profile, I decided to do things a little differently. Using the handy LOLspeak translator I made a significant change in my profile. Ironically, the translator mostly just re-spells words in the LOL dialect so the message of my profile doesn’t sound any different, but it looks pretty different. All caps and almost no words spelled correctly. So what was the aftermath?
The messages kept rolling in seemingly unaware that they were talking to the LOLswitch. They got an abrasive reply that was sent conveniently through the translator.
My outgoing messages ranged from the simple and sweet, “O HAI!” to the more complex “O, IM JUS WRITIN POST ON MAH WEBLOG BOUT HOW STOOPID AN DESPERATE MOST PEEPS ON DIS SIET R. NORMAL DAI, RLY.”
You would think that using the standard LOL dialect, most people would get what I was up to. NOWAI JOSE! I still got the same range of idiotic fake internet Domery and useless platitudes. Some had entire conversations with the LOLswitch where I regularly insulted them and they either missed it or were too horny to care.
Honestly, this is the most fun I’ve had with internet dating since I lost my virginity. So, take the LOLdating challenge. Copy the entire text of your profile on any dating site into the translator and doctor up your profile photos with the LULZ. Stand back and wait for the funnies to roll in.
And let us know what happens!
SexSearch CEO says, ““Our target market is anyone over the age of 21 who is interested in sex, which is almost everybody.” Yeah, we don’t think that people who want sex are much of a specialized niche either.
JDate has garnered a Webby Award. Just another reminder that I should be looking for a nice Jewish boy, thank goodness my Bubbe doesn’t have an internet connection.
- Our favorite literary misogynist will have his sexual prowess revealed. Some or Norman Mailer’s papers and correspondence have been sold to Harvard by his former mistress. The stash includes a 50 page sex scene based on the two of them. Who knew that one of the side effects of Viagra might be carpal tunnel syndrome.
- There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with this list of the Top 10 Sex Mistakes That Men Make but I just have trouble taking sex advice from Fox News - I don’t want to accidentally visualize Bill O’Reilly when I’m being lusciously violated by Chris Matthews.
Ellie: it should just be kink day
Ellie: New “hooker” that schtupped Spitzer to gawk at
Ellie: wait, nevermind
Ellie: socks and butt plugs do not kink make.
Snarling Misanthrope: well, not unless they’re using the butt-plug as a pacifier and the socks are filled with subway tokens…and Kristen was playing the role of a disgruntled Port Authority worker…
Ellie:Well, there is another one for the dumb headline files
Snarling Misanthrope: I mean, to have been a clinton superdelegate, he had to have enjoyed butt plugs
We don’t think that the suffocation death of a Tennessee man from a bondage scene gone wrong is particularly funny. We read the news a few days ago and felt a bit sad just like news of any senseless death. But, since rope and ball-gags were involved it has become a much bigger story and the media outlets are falling over themselves to play up the salacious angle. Actual
media fuckery headlines related to the story:
Wife Held in Kinky Hubby’s Bondage Death
Woman Offs Husband in Sex Ritual
Wife Accused Of Deadly Sex Crime
Woman Left Her Husband for 20 Hours Bound, Gagged
Of course everyone knows that headlines like this grab readers and viewers. Death and allegations of murder are always sexy but if you add in kinky fetish sex bondage rituals, they can only get sexier. Instead of clucking mournfully, though, take this chance to familiarize yourself with smart play practices. (Pro tip: They don’t include leaving a bound person alone, ever)